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[Jan. 19th, 2011|10:08 pm] |
Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
6 Then I said, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.” 7 But the Lord said to me,
“Do not say, ‘I am only a youth’;
for to all to whom I send you, you shall go,
and whatever I command you, you shall speak.
8 Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you,
declares the Lord.”
9 Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me,
“Behold, I have put my words in your mouth.
10 See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms,
to pluck up and to break down,
to destroy and to overthrow,
to build and to plant.”
11 And the word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Jeremiah, what do you see?” And I said, “I see an almond [1] branch.” 12 Then the Lord said to me, “You have seen well, for I am watching over my word to perform it.”
Jeremiah 1:4-12
That was my favorite passage from the bible growing up. I don't know why but it put me at peace, always. I think it made me feel powerful, that I wasn't too young to do anything. That I could always do Gods will. And then eventually it just left me with alot of questions.
I go to church every Sunday and I do love it, and I love God and Jesus and Mary and all the saints and everyone. But that passage always makes me wonder how much of life is planned, or how much we or others make for us. Its a question I try to answer every day. I want to think there is a plan for everything, a reason for everything but sometimes that is hard as well to deal with that.
When I was 13 or 14 I thought I had life figured out. I think my parents thought they had a plan for me as well. I was going to marry someone from the church, probably not go to college, and raise some cute babies in our church. Thats why they liked Ezra. Because he was in youth group and his parents were well liked in the church and they had like 5 kids and all the kids were in youth group and Ezra was the one for me. I let my parents convince me of that. I liked him... or I thought I did. And I wanted to date him and marry him and have babies. That was the plan, even when I was 13 and he was 15, almost 16. It was marked out for us. And it let me overlook things. Like the things he said sometimes. Or the way he pinched my skin, the skin on the bottom of my upper arm, when I did something he didn't like. If he had hit me I wouldn’t have stayed, I knew then that him hitting me would have been wrong. But it was pinching, it hurt sometimes...if he made it hurt, other times it was annoying. He was 'keeping me in line' and my parents always said I needed to calm down some. If I was a better girlfriend, eventually a better wife, he wouldn't have to do it. The way he talked it always sounded like it was my fault, I deserved it, and so...I let it happen.
But there were things I couldn't overlook. I was 14, it was February. He had been talking about sex for a while now. How all his friends were doing it, everyone on his sports team, all our friends. But I didn't want to. I was too young and I wanted to save that for marriage. He said something about how if we were going to get married anyway we might as well do it but I insisted no. It was my promise to God. His parents and mine had gone away for the day at a bible conference and he was watching a movie at my house. We were alone and he took everything he wanted. We were watching Pretty Woman and he locked the door. And got this look on his face. Somehow, after a slap or two it was that he would let me out of the room if I gave him head. And it got to the point where I just... wanted to get out of there, needed to get out of there. So I did it. I just remember the taste and then crying and screaming when he wanted more. and more. and more.
I haven't been the same since then. 9 months later, right after my 15th birthday, I had mine...our...baby girl. I never slept in my bed again. I gave up dancing, because I didn’t want someone to want my body like he wanted it. I never wanted to make someone think of me like that. I didn't want to fall for someone else again. I didn't want to let anyone close again. Its probably why I don't have a lot of friends. After that day, after I learned I was pregnant, after Ezra spread rumors that the baby want his and I had cheated and I obviously couldn't admit what happened. All those friends I thought I had I didn't anymore. It was easier to close myself off.
I wonder how much of that God had planned. Was I supposed to be raped? Was that in the cards? Nevaeh was made from that, wasn't she planned, didn't God know her before she was born, before she was made. And he chose her for me or me for her. But what kind of God allows children to go through that...to be hurt liked that. I don't know. And I wonder that every single day.
The last year or so has been full of trying to open myself up again. Vince convinced HAHA convinced me to start dancing again. He gave me a dance class at his studio. And I learned that my body still moves like it used to...almost like it used too...and I still love it so much. I love the joy that it brings to me. Sometimes between classes I just go into the studio alone and dance. It moves this part of my soul that I forgot I still had. Im thankful hes helped me open my soul again.
And then there's Marlon. I didn't think I would like him. I don't even remember where I met him. But I'm glad he's in my life. Our daughters have been getting along great and I love it. I love when they get to hang out together and just play. I love the sleepovers that we have. And our age difference doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it might. 10, 11 years? That’s a long time. But it doesn't feel like it when we're together. Of course it leads to a lot of jokes. About his balding head and his bad heart, but its so fun. And I just get happy. I smile so much around him, around the two of them.
It brings up the question of God again, of plans again. He was married once, to what I've heard is a wonderful woman, Grace. Not that we're serious right now but it makes me think of soul mates, of 'the one' if he found the one in her...I’m just second best, even if he is 'the one' for me. I don't want to ever take her place, because I know he loved her...loves her. And she's Audrey's mother. I can see us having a future together, we joke about it a lot. But I don’t want to be a replacement and I feel kind of guilty.
But what if God makes a plan and like a GPS he just makes adjustments. Recalculates. And this is my recalculated route, our recalculated route. I don't think he would just bring Marlon into my life for nothing. Or let us share our first kiss...my first kiss since I was 14. I get butterflies just thinking about it. And I want it to happen again. There isn't anything wrong with recalculating. But is where you end up the same place you were going to start with?
And I realize that this entry is a whole lot of...confusion and secrets and anything. And I still haven’t figured out what I'm trying to say. But I just needed to say something.
What does anyone think about the path though...do you believe in recalculating...or is it all planned already or...what? |
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